Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
celebrating.earth
This weekend, in honor of Earth hour, some friends and I turned off our lights and sat in the dark, talking to each other by candlelight. It was sort of new at first, our self-induced blackout; noticing how people always look more attractive by candlelight, trying to decide if we should play games, share ghost stories, or just nap. We sat around in the living room: K drifting in and out of sleep on the couch, P on the floor playing with candle wax, A and I snuggling in our blankets. L eventually came up from downstairs and sat with us too. We had about ten candles scattered about, and it made the room look different, almost magical, like we were in another time.
Eventually our talk began to drift back and forth, between random and amusing subjects. We tried to tell stories. We talked about our plans for the week, about our friends, and then to more complex conversation topics, like our place in the universe. Our words drifted in and out of the ever present silence, and at times we would simply stop talking and just sit there, thinking, looking. Our Earth hour began to stretch out, and when it came time for it to officially "end," we continued sitting there, in the dark, reluctant to turn on the lights and break this eerie peace. As it got later, I started to blow out a few candles, making the room even darker. Soon we would barely be able to make each other out. And eventually, Earth hour became Earth 4-hour.
It's interesting how time passes by both slowly and quickly while you're in the company of friends. We didn't talk about anything mind-blowing. We didn't reveal our darkest secrets, or goals or fears. We talked about everyday things, almost inconsequential, sometimes enlightening, but mostly ordinary. Things that could've been talked about on a regular day. But that night, it felt different. It wasn't the conversation that was important. It was the time spent, being in the presence of each other, and enjoying simply that, without the accompaniment of music, or television, or alcohol. People say we hardly ever make "face time" anymore, and it's true.
Eventually our talk began to drift back and forth, between random and amusing subjects. We tried to tell stories. We talked about our plans for the week, about our friends, and then to more complex conversation topics, like our place in the universe. Our words drifted in and out of the ever present silence, and at times we would simply stop talking and just sit there, thinking, looking. Our Earth hour began to stretch out, and when it came time for it to officially "end," we continued sitting there, in the dark, reluctant to turn on the lights and break this eerie peace. As it got later, I started to blow out a few candles, making the room even darker. Soon we would barely be able to make each other out. And eventually, Earth hour became Earth 4-hour.
It's interesting how time passes by both slowly and quickly while you're in the company of friends. We didn't talk about anything mind-blowing. We didn't reveal our darkest secrets, or goals or fears. We talked about everyday things, almost inconsequential, sometimes enlightening, but mostly ordinary. Things that could've been talked about on a regular day. But that night, it felt different. It wasn't the conversation that was important. It was the time spent, being in the presence of each other, and enjoying simply that, without the accompaniment of music, or television, or alcohol. People say we hardly ever make "face time" anymore, and it's true.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
smiles.
Today was a good day at work.
It didn't start off so great...B was being difficult and didn't want to go to tutorial. I had to chase him down and talk to him for 15 minutes. It breaks my heart because he is one of my secret favorites. He had been doing so well with coming to class, not putting up a fight...I was so proud of him! Today I brought him to the office and showed him that he was failing his math class. After this, he finally went (about half an hour late), and had a pretty good session.
In the afternoon, I come into Codman expecting a typical tutoring day. I find out that all the tutors in my group were absent...and I had to divide 6 students between 2 people! This makes me nervous because I know E works better one on one. I'm not looking forward to working with three students at one time...luckily, one of the kids was absent. So it was just S and E. Still not ideal but I could handle it.
I was surprised to find that with S at our table, E was working so much better than usual! Maybe he wanted to show off to me. Or he didn't like talking to her. Either way, he worked quietly and diligently and even showed his work (a task I know he hates doing). At one point though, I confused him by teaching something completely wrong. =( Fail me. Fortunately, he was pretty forgiving...went over it again, and at the end of the session, I gave him a similar problem. He got it right, and was so proud of himself! And I was so proud of him. He could tell because I gave him one of the highest grades I'd ever given in tutorial, and he left with a smile on his face. What a nice way to end the day. =)
It didn't start off so great...B was being difficult and didn't want to go to tutorial. I had to chase him down and talk to him for 15 minutes. It breaks my heart because he is one of my secret favorites. He had been doing so well with coming to class, not putting up a fight...I was so proud of him! Today I brought him to the office and showed him that he was failing his math class. After this, he finally went (about half an hour late), and had a pretty good session.
In the afternoon, I come into Codman expecting a typical tutoring day. I find out that all the tutors in my group were absent...and I had to divide 6 students between 2 people! This makes me nervous because I know E works better one on one. I'm not looking forward to working with three students at one time...luckily, one of the kids was absent. So it was just S and E. Still not ideal but I could handle it.
I was surprised to find that with S at our table, E was working so much better than usual! Maybe he wanted to show off to me. Or he didn't like talking to her. Either way, he worked quietly and diligently and even showed his work (a task I know he hates doing). At one point though, I confused him by teaching something completely wrong. =( Fail me. Fortunately, he was pretty forgiving...went over it again, and at the end of the session, I gave him a similar problem. He got it right, and was so proud of himself! And I was so proud of him. He could tell because I gave him one of the highest grades I'd ever given in tutorial, and he left with a smile on his face. What a nice way to end the day. =)
Monday, March 23, 2009
ugly.
Could you imagine what your life would be like if you were ugly? I don't mean unattractive. I am not talking about beautiful or not beautiful, I am talking about the physically hideous, the tragically morbid. If people cringed at the sight of you, if they were scared of you, made the effort to stay away from you...would you be able to face the world?
I was watching the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy the other day. The medical case was of a guy who was missing 77% of his face, including his nose and his lips. He was horrible to look at, but I couldn't look away. He was surprised by his online friends, who he had been chatting with for over a year. They came to wish him luck before his surgery to get a new face. He freaked out, and didn't want them to see him like that. They were supposed to see him with his new face.
I'll be honest with you, I cried during this episode. I picture his face in my mind now. I imagine living like that, being afraid to step out of the house, being afraid to even look in the mirror. How do you face the world when you're faceless? You couldn't feel his pain but you could definitely see it... by your own inability to look away, your need to stare to see if it's real. Or maybe you do need to look away, because it is just so grotesque that you can't bear to believe it. Either way his existence is something that you have never considered. You could never imagine being in his shoes, and you would never want to.
But when his friends came back...when they looked him straight in the eye and said "I see you"...When they leaned in and kissed the only part of his cheek that wasn't bloody flesh... I know this is television, but I sincerely hope that there are people like that in this world. I hope that there are people with so much compassion, so much sympathy in their hearts, that they can look beyond the ugly and see the beautiful.
We pass these people on the street every day. The smelly homeless man, sleeping in the corner. The "wack-job" talking to himself on the T. People who are damaged: physically, emotionally, mentally. We look at them and we judge. It's in our nature, no matter how bad we feel for them, that is what we see. If you were to stumble upon a man missing over half his face, how would you react? How much more would you affect his life if you stopped to look into his eyes, his heart, and see the person within?
I was watching the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy the other day. The medical case was of a guy who was missing 77% of his face, including his nose and his lips. He was horrible to look at, but I couldn't look away. He was surprised by his online friends, who he had been chatting with for over a year. They came to wish him luck before his surgery to get a new face. He freaked out, and didn't want them to see him like that. They were supposed to see him with his new face.
I'll be honest with you, I cried during this episode. I picture his face in my mind now. I imagine living like that, being afraid to step out of the house, being afraid to even look in the mirror. How do you face the world when you're faceless? You couldn't feel his pain but you could definitely see it... by your own inability to look away, your need to stare to see if it's real. Or maybe you do need to look away, because it is just so grotesque that you can't bear to believe it. Either way his existence is something that you have never considered. You could never imagine being in his shoes, and you would never want to.
But when his friends came back...when they looked him straight in the eye and said "I see you"...When they leaned in and kissed the only part of his cheek that wasn't bloody flesh... I know this is television, but I sincerely hope that there are people like that in this world. I hope that there are people with so much compassion, so much sympathy in their hearts, that they can look beyond the ugly and see the beautiful.
We pass these people on the street every day. The smelly homeless man, sleeping in the corner. The "wack-job" talking to himself on the T. People who are damaged: physically, emotionally, mentally. We look at them and we judge. It's in our nature, no matter how bad we feel for them, that is what we see. If you were to stumble upon a man missing over half his face, how would you react? How much more would you affect his life if you stopped to look into his eyes, his heart, and see the person within?
what.do.you.want.
I suppose it seems like a really simple question. What do you want? But ask anyone this, and you'll find out it's more complicated than that.
What DO you want? What do *I* want? It seems lately that people around me are more and more unsure. And that's the worst, isn't it? If you knew what you wanted, the question would be Now, how do I get that? But when you don't know what you want, when you can't even formulate an opinion, a thought, a preference... it's so paralyzing and creates such a paranoia that whatever you decide, whatever step you take... might, might, might be the wrong one. And that's a risk no one wants to take.
..............
I have about four weeks left of work. I am counting down the days until I do not need to wake up at 5:30 in the morning anymore. I miss being in college. I miss sitting around in the student center, and running into people. I miss wearing jeans.
What DO you want? What do *I* want? It seems lately that people around me are more and more unsure. And that's the worst, isn't it? If you knew what you wanted, the question would be Now, how do I get that? But when you don't know what you want, when you can't even formulate an opinion, a thought, a preference... it's so paralyzing and creates such a paranoia that whatever you decide, whatever step you take... might, might, might be the wrong one. And that's a risk no one wants to take.
..............
I have about four weeks left of work. I am counting down the days until I do not need to wake up at 5:30 in the morning anymore. I miss being in college. I miss sitting around in the student center, and running into people. I miss wearing jeans.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
the.future.
I don't think I've ever had so many options available to me. After graduating college, you really do have the world ahead of you, and you can choose to go down a certain road, or you can choose not to. Right now I have a very secure safety: home. I am very happy with this safety, I even feel like if I were to choose this safety, I would be happy with my life. However, there are a couple of unknowns that I want to explore.. that may be worth choosing.
I am thinking of going abroad again. No surprise, since I loved it so much the first time. I am looking for teaching experiences, specifically, because I am finding more and more lately that I enjoy it. I wonder if I'll be sufficiently capable sometimes, but I enjoy it.
So, I've applied to a program in Hong Kong. I am thinking of applying to a program in Korea. If I get an e-mail about a teaching program somewhere else, I'll probably apply there too. My point? My point is I have a couple of graduate school applications sitting in a folder that I have yet to touch. But I get an e-mail about a program in Korea, and I immediately consider it. It's obvious, isn't it? Maybe I'm not yet ready for my safety.
This makes me excited.
I am thinking of going abroad again. No surprise, since I loved it so much the first time. I am looking for teaching experiences, specifically, because I am finding more and more lately that I enjoy it. I wonder if I'll be sufficiently capable sometimes, but I enjoy it.
So, I've applied to a program in Hong Kong. I am thinking of applying to a program in Korea. If I get an e-mail about a teaching program somewhere else, I'll probably apply there too. My point? My point is I have a couple of graduate school applications sitting in a folder that I have yet to touch. But I get an e-mail about a program in Korea, and I immediately consider it. It's obvious, isn't it? Maybe I'm not yet ready for my safety.
This makes me excited.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
a.year.ago
A year ago I learned more about myself than I thought I could.A year ago I was traveling the world, soaking in as many sights, sounds, smells and tastes that my body only remembers as a soft shadow of its past.
I wish I could shed the layers that time has blown over my skin so that once again I could relive the feel of the black sand under my toes on the beaches in Santorini, the cold snow falling on my face on the peaks of Mount Olympus, the smell of meat cooking on a spit just steps from my apartment, the slow hum of voices surrounding me, so musical in its foreign-ness and yet so comforting all the same.
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